9 SO, YOUR MOTHER TOLD ME YOU WANT TO JOIN THE SWISS GUARD? WHERE’D YOU GET SUCH A CRAZY IDEA? I DON’T KNOW. I SAW A DOCUMENTARY, AND MOM TOLD ME... ... THAT I’M FRIENDS WITH THE CURRENT COMMANDER OF THE GUARD. THAT’S TRUE. WE WENT TO COLLEGE TOGETHER! I THINK YOUR FATHER WOULD HAVE LIKED THIS. MAY HE REST IN PEACE. I DID SOME RESEARCH FOR YOU. FROM WHAT I UNDERSTAND, TO BECOME A SWISS GUARD, YOU NEED TO MEET SOME SPECIFIC REQUIREMENTS. YOU MUST BE A SWISS CITIZEN. HISTORICALLY, IF I HAVE IT RIGHT, THE GUARDS WERE FROM ZURICH, LUCERNE, AND CENTRAL SWITZERLAND. YOU MUST BELONG TO THE ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH. YOU STILL GO TO CHURCH WITH YOUR MOM, RIGHT? OH, HE’S FINE ON THE CHURCH! I’M THE ONE HE NEGLECTS. MOM, PLEASE! SO FAR, I CAN CHECK ALL THE BOXES. OF COURSE, YOUR REPUTATION MUST BE IRREPROACHABLE. WE’LL ASK YOUR PARISH PRIEST TO CONFIRM IN WRITING THAT YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON! OH, THAT’S WHERE IT GOES WRONG. YOU MUST HAVE COMPLETED SOME WORK TRAINING OR OBTAINED SOME KIND OF DIPLOMA—ANY KIND OF CERTIFICATION ACTUALLY. AND BE BETWEEN NINETEEN AND THIRTY YEARS OLD. I AM GOOD FOR ALL OF THOSE. AND IF YOU WOULD LEAVE ME SOME CHEESE, THAT WOULD BE GREAT! YOU MUST ALSO HAVE COMPLETED YOUR MILITARY SERVICE. YOU FINISHED IT LAST YEAR, RIGHT? AND BE SINGLE. AH! CLOSE CALL.
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